dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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