Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
