just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
