As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
