Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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