i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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