Your mouth is God's brothel.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
