Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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