my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
