I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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