This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
