I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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