i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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