My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
