I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize