so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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