Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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