yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
