True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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