Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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