it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
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Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
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Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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