they need to just BURY HIM!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
