marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
