so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
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I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
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He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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