Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
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I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
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I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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