i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
