We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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