i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
