I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.