I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
