Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
