Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Someone shattered a urinal.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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