I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
