Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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