The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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