I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
