i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
