fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
