To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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