Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
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