Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
