I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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