Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
