im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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