Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
