i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
