So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
