I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
