She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
