I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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