I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The feeling are messing with the penis
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
