I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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