I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
