I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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