Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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