you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
