How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
