i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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