Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
