3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
